Default Setting - Picking A Fight With The Internet

Social Networking Creep N' Bloat...

2010-05-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

…is a term I’ve just coined to describe my current situation.

How did I end up with so many internet commitments? Really far too many to do any of them justice.
At the current moment I have two Tumblr accounts, one Twitter and a Facebook page. All of them seperate entities that require fresh material to be shovelled into their hungry maws. And, to be frank, that material hasn’t been the greatest recently.

How did this happen?
Well, my theory is that social networking creeps up on you. Join one network, find a few like-minded spirits. All well and good. But if some of these people belong to other networks, you are naturally curious. There seems to be fun stuff happening over there as well. The urge not to miss out is usually too hard to resist. Suddenly you are the proud owner of multiple accounts. And feeling like the above visual metaphor. If you try to spin too many plates, some are bound to come crashing down.

This in itself is not a surprise. The internet encourages information bloat. We are tempted to gorge on mindfood until our poor, little cerebal cortexes are full to bursting (a situation described best by Seth Godin here). What it does take is the will-power not to get into that situation in the first place. I have failed on a couple of occassions, and will doubtless fail again.

This wouldn’t be so bad if I was a natural writer. However, as an inveterate over-thinker, I tend to agonise over even the most inconsequential Facebook reply. As a result, I don’t communicate with people as much as I should. And other people, let us not forget, are the main reason any of us social network.

It is, I think, time for some internet detox.
I am taking my cue from Quit Facebook Day. So, as of 31st May, I am mothballing all my social networking while I figure out a game plan that will actually work (though, ironically, the one I’ll continue with is Facebook). It may be for a short while, it may be considerably longer.

I just need to go away and dream it all up again.
This time using only one account. Really.

The Beast Came Two-Headed

2010-05-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

(Bob the Brit - Morecambe and Wise)

In the UK, any double-act (in any sphere of life) will be eventually compared to Morecombe & Wise.

Thus it only took the British Press all of 8 hours after the events of last Tuesday to draw parallels between Cameron ‘n’ Clegg and the immortal Eric & Ernie. This is a) a big insult to M&W, and b) lazy journalism, as the much more correct analogy would be Hale & Pace (an 80’s double act where neither was the funny one).

After all the fuss n’ flutter about the ‘Twitter-effect’ on the General Election (which, surprise, surprise, turned out to be a ripple not a wave), it’s longest lasting legacy will be coming up with the new administrations nickname first. How accurate ‘ConDem’ turns out to be we’ll just have to see.

Still, the unlikely alliance is what we’ve got and cross-fingers (and other appendiages) that it works. Otherwise, when I see you all in the gutter next year, I have baggsy’s on the fattest rat.

iPadding

2010-05-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Hung, Drawn and Stitched Up Like a Kipper

2010-05-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

So, we are now five days in the brave new world that the last general election gifted us.

For the briefest of moments (i.e. Friday), it looked like, against all odds, the result have forced our various leaders to act like rational grown-ups. It couldn’t last.

And it didn’t.

As I write (approx. 9pm on Monday), the cracks in the entente cordiale are beinging to show and naked politiking is seeping through.
Which is something I’m in two minds about.
Being British (and a Cricket fan), I’m all for fair play and “doing the right thing”. However, if the Liberal Democrats follow that path they will a) make David Cameron prime minister and b) kiss goodbye to any realistic hope of bringing in proportional representational voting for another generation. So maybe backstabbing and skullduggery IS the right course of action here.

Then again…

Brown has finally fallen on his sword. Which was only a shock in the fact that he had a choice about it.
If this paves the way for a Lab/Lib/All The Others pact, it will be the political equivalent of Jenga: an ever-shifting mirage of alliances, all with their own priorities, that only takes one piece to go rogue for the whole thing to make like a pear.
(It also opens up the possibility of David Miliband as the next PM. Which could only be thought of as a good idea by people cursed with terminal imbecility)

So it all comes down to Nick Clegg.
He has probably already had the realisation that whichever choice he makes will condemn his party to obscurity at the next election (whether that be this October (in the event of a ConDem truce) or next Spring (should the Rainbow Alliance be cobbled together)). For him, the only prize will be if he manages to emerge at the end of it with some kind of proportional voting system clasped in his sweaty little paw.

If he does jump to the Red side, you can expect to hear wailing and the rending of clothes echo down Whitehall.
And that will just be David Cameron…

Never Do Today...

2010-05-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

(via lassehallstroem)

TRUISMS:
1. A watched pot never boils (and watched rice never steams (at least, never for me)
2. A delivery you wait in for all day will always arrive in the five minutes you’ve popped out to the shops
3. Procrastination will expand to fill the available space.

For instance, this bank holiday weekend.
Three whole days were stretching ahead of me. Virginal space repleat with possibilities.
It is therefore a shame that I spent two of them pratting around with Facebook and Twitter.

Douglas Adams once wrote that ‘Habit’ is the most powerful force in the universe.
I would disagree. The ‘Put-Off’ is.

Blow Hard

2010-04-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

(via tindink)

It’s just an idle thought, but how many iconic moments from history would have been immeasurably improved by the simple addition of a midget with a trumpet?

Yes, even the moon landings.

Time to fire up Photoshop…

Totally Wired

2010-04-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

Man Steals Electricity With Meat Hook (ABC News)

So your power’s been cut off by the electricity company.

Bummer, huh?

What would be your first reaction?
Well I’m going to guess most of us would probably take it on the chin, break out the candles and smash the furniture for firewood.

However, if you’re this German man, you take ingenuity to a hithero unknown extreme and sling a meat hook over the nearest million-watt power line with intent to siphon off the juice.

HOW we view this endeavour really depends on it’s outcome.

NON-FATAL
A plan that is very close to genius. Suicidally reckless genius, but inspired none the less.

FATAL
A shoe-in for next year’s Darwin Awards.

Inspiration Overload

2010-04-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

100 Ideas to Spark you into Creative Action (iHanna’s Blog)

Somedays my writing muse packs it’s bags and heads off to sunnier climates.

This is one of those days.
Therefore, it’s lucky that there are articles like this that provide so many ready punchlines without any effort on my part.

Ostensibly, it’s a random list of ideas to kickstart the creative mojo.
Here’s number one:
“Read the book A Creative Year by yours truly! I hope you’ll like it.”

Yes, shilling her own book as the top tip kind of gives you an idea of what’s to come. But believe me, it gets better.

After all of about five seconds browsing we get:

“Allow yourself to obsess over cute stuff even if you consider yourself to be a grown up”

“Explore creative blogs to find like minded, inspiration, new friends, make contact!”
(What? Like this one?)

“Make a field of flowers from thrifted doilies and other treasures.”

I could go on and on. But that would take all the fun of discovery out of it for you.
In fact, we could make a game of it.
First one to find the tip that achieves that zen point of inanity wins a prize (“prize” in this case meaning a smug sense of superiority)
I’ll go first with “Break china plates and create a unique mosaic pot that everyone will be envious of” (though come to think of it, that actually sounds kind of fun).
But don’t be discouraged by thinking it can’t be topped. There’s plenty to go round, trust me on that.

I’m being disingenious. Quality comedy writing like this should be celebrated.
It’s unintentional, sure, but let’s not split hairs.

My 1980's British Childhood

2010-04-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

Presented purely in terms of stuff:

Radioactive Blue Ice Lollys - Evel Knievel Loop-The-Loop Stunt Figure - Look-In (junior Radio Times) - Iron-On Clothes Patches - Crisps with a seperate salt packet - Raleigh Chopper Bike - Weetabix - Indoor Fireworks - Second-hand Atari console - 2000AD comic - Irn-Bru (“Made in Scotland from Girders”) - The Muppet Show LP - Scalectrix - ‘CHiPs’ shirt (basically a fake Californian Highway Patrol shirt) - (Lots of) Star Wars figures - Woolworths Pick ‘N’ Mix

Who says consumerism defines us??

Oh, right…

A Book at Bedtime

2010-04-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have fairly fixed reading habits.
Fiction is for travelling or weekend reading.
However, when it comes to dropping off to sleep, I’ve always required a good ‘dipping’ book.

For the past few months, the title that has taken up residence on my bedside table is this one.

Mr Allen’s work may be an aquired taste, especially the wide variety of quality and subjects in his film work. However, his written material (invariably for The New Yorker) is just spot-on.

Without hiding his influences (from Thurber, to Perelman, and Marx (Groucho), plus a large dollup of mordant Jewish humour) but wearing them lightly, it is truly comic writing, with virtually every sentence a punchline.

There are many, many highlights, but let me quote liberally from my personal favourite: ‘Hassidic Tales, with a Guide to Their Interpretation’:

“Rabbi Yekel of Zans, who had the best diction in the world until a Gentile stole his resonant underwear, dreamed three nights running that if he would only journey to Vorki he would find a great treasure there. Bidding his wife and children goodbye, he set out on the a trip, saying he would return in ten days. Two years later, he was found wandering the Urals and emotionally involved with a panda. Cold and starving, the Rev was taken back to his home, where he was revived with steaming soup and flaken. Following that, he was given something to eat. After dinner, he told his story: Three days out of Zans, he was set upon by wild nomads. When they learned he was a Jew, they forced him to alter all their sports jackets and take in their trousers. As if this was not humiliation enough, they put sour cream in his ears and sealed them with wax. Finally, the Rabbi escaped and headed for the nearest town, winding up in the Urals instead, because he was ashamed to ask directions.
After telling the story, the Rabbi rose and went into his bedroom to sleep, and , behold, under his pillow was the treasure he originally sought. Ecstatic, he got down and thanked God. Three days later, he was back wandering in the Urals again, this time in a rabbit suit.
The above small masterpiece amply illustrates the absurdity of mysticism. The Rabbi dreams three straight nights. The Five Books of Moses subtracted from the Ten Commandments leaves five. Minus the brothers Jacob and Esau leaves three. It was reasoning like this that led Rabbi Yitzhok Ben Levi, the great Jewish mystic, to hit the double at Aqueduct fifty-two days running and still wind up on relief.”

Link to Amazon / Amazon UK

Tool Time!

2010-04-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

In our house, my wife is the DIY pro.

If it needs building/reparing/renovating, she’s your woman.
Plastering? Not a problem. Laying laminated floorboards? A breeze.
She’s never more happy than with power drill in hand.

Which is a good thing, because all I have to do is look at a plug socket to fuse it. If the DIY was left to me, we’d be ringing the Guinness Book of Records, ‘cause I reckon I’d be the first person to simultaneously flood and burn a house.

Anyway, this morning my better half surprised me in the act of making coffee (the third degree burns will fade…but I digress). Upon turning on the TV, she’s seen an info-mertial for some kind of combination drill/sander/thingimy-whatsit, which apparently did EVERYTHING up to washing the dishes or taking over the planet.

I was then regaled by a ten minute explanation as to WHY this was so brilliant and how our general standard of living would be immeasurably improved if ONLY we owned this machine.
All through this I was nodding dutifully, but not really taking it in. Partly because I was waiting for the inevitable touch for money, but mainly because my wife had commenced with this statement:

“I’ve fallen in love with a brilliant new toy…”

As a result, I was manfully trying not to make the vibrator gag that had immediately occured to me.

Time just flies by in our house…

FOOTNOTE:
When I later confessed my bad joke, her response was “But it DOES vibrate”.
Punchlines? We got ‘em!

Things

2010-04-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Irregular Pronoun Time!:
I am a collector
You are a hoarder
They stockpile crap

The Bounds of My Ignorance

2010-04-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

An ever-expanding round-up of things I just don’t understand (continued from here)

5. HUMAN TEETH

Is there another organ in the human body that is so needlessly complex?
For instance, teeth have nerves. Can anyone think of one good reason why?!
Or develop faults that have the potential to end in a fatality (yours).

If it wasn’t for modern drugs and dentistry, I’d have been whisked away by an abscess before age 25. No wonder in medieval times they used to cut to the chase and have them all pulled by 18 (though wooden dentures were not such a great fasion statement).

Wouldn’t it be so much better to have shark teeth? One set wears down, drops out, and another set springs into place. Not aesthetically pleasing, but so much more practical than what we’ve been lumbered with.

6. CHARLES DICKENS

Okay, I’m not disputing that Dickens is one of the very greatest authors in English.
His characters are all well-drawn, his plots top notch, and his influence incalculatable.
However I’ve never managed to finish a Dickens’ novel.

I’ve started many. Some many times, thinking that the light must finally dawn.
But never made it into triple page count. Ever.

Because here’s my problem. Dickens, in every other way that counts, is a great novelist. What he isn’t, to my taste, is a great writer.
Each time I start, determined THIS time to make it to the end, I quickly get bogged down in the prose. It’s gloopy, and over-blown, and quite frankly, sometimes a bit turgid. And it always gets in the way of the story, to the extent that the bookmark goes in somewhere around page 80 and never gets removed.

You could quite rightly argue that I’m judging his writing style by modern standards. Then how come I don’t have the same problem with most of his contemporaries? I raced through Tom Jones in less than a week. So why, after ten years, can’t I finish The Pickwick Papers?

7. LOUD MUSIC IN BARS BEFORE 9PM

Arguably this is done to create an ‘atmosphere’.
Yes, and so does tear gas.

People go out to talk and dance, but never at the same time.
Blaring music early in the evening obliterates the former, and no one’s drunk enough yet to attempt the later.
Fails all round.

8. NON-FICTION

In the bookselling trade, any work that is not a novel or short story is catagorised as ‘Non-Fiction’. This has always irked me, as it implies that ‘Fiction’ is by far the superior catagory and anything else should be defined by it’s lack of fictioness.

Surely, ‘Non-Fiction’ works should be given back their dignity and refered to by their proper title: ‘Fact’. And while we’re at it, how about rebranding ‘Fiction’ as ‘Non-Fact’?
Or, to be more precise, ‘Untruths’.

Well Grounded

2010-04-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

I’m thinking of writing a kids book inspired by the recent travel chaos.

It’ll be called The Little Plane That Couldn’t

Hopefully it’ll prepare our offspring for when the oil inevitably runs out.

Early Adopters...

2010-04-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Disappointing Technologies (PC Authority)

…and by that I don’t mean teenage foster parents. Rather the brave pioneers who rush out and purchase that brand-spanking, life-altering, game-changing piece of new hardware the moment it hits the shelves.

The most recent example being all those who queued for days to get their hands on an iPad, and then promptly bitched about how the wireless function sucked.

Well, what did they expect?
A seasoned early adopter will be hardened to these kind of pitfalls. Or should be. Any kind of tech site worth it’s salt will be filled with discussion forums from those that have invested in the new ‘Wizz-Bang-Thingy-Whatsit‘(TM). Most of the comments will be a bit bi-polar, simultaniously championing how cool they are to be the first kid on the block to own one, and forensically dissecting why it’s such a disappointment.

Because that’s what new technology is like.
Buying any bit of tech kit in it’s first year brings with it three certainties:
1. You will have paid twice as much as you would have done two years down the line.
2. It will break down/crash/be full of bugs until all the software flaws associated with it’s rush-release have been ironed out.
3. There is a 50% chance it will be quickly made obsolete by a crapper, but more ubiquitous competitor.

And that’s the crux of the matter.
It doesn’t matter how fantastic the hardware is. If there isn’t the software/industry backing, it’s as dead as a, well, a Betamax. For instance, a couple of years back I bought my wife a PSP. For my money, a far superior machine to the crappy bit of plastic Nintendo DS. But which machine currently has the more games available for it?…Life, it isn’t fair.

And this is what this article celebrates. The techonological developments that through bad luck, bad judgement, or just plain being bad, became Dreamcasts rather than X-Boxes.
Though I don’t think anyone would argue with Windows Vista being No.1. Only two years from it’s much-hyped launch, it will be seen as the dictionary definition of terminal hubris for many more of those to come.

Total Suckage

2010-04-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

(Image courtesy of Despairwear)

How To Make A Blog Posting That SUCKS (Bob Ratcliff)

Initially, I thought this was going to be about how to write the worst blog post possible.

However, it turns out the ‘sucks’ in the title was a verb and not an adjective. What it was REALLY about was how to, and I quote “Make A Blog Post That Sucks Readers In As Subscribers”.

But after reading the article, it turned out my first guess had been right.

If you follow the advice laid out here, and fill your site with lame product reviews, “fun” quick tips, and random, pointless lists, you really will have achieved a blog that sucks.

And that’s as an adjective and not a verb.

Talking A Good Game

2010-04-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Back in the 1970’s, the lot of the ex-sportsman was a potentially grim one.

Pretty much the only ready employment left to them was coaching. Which promised long hours, unspectacular wages and living vicariously through the achievements of their charges.
(Unless you were an ex-footballer, then the twin professions of bar/pub owner and recovering gambler also offered opportunities)

But then there came…
[Heavenly Choir FX]

SPORTS PUNDITRY

Now former footballers, cricketers, golfers etc. etc. etc. are offered cash hand-over-fist for a few hours in a TV studio, stating the bleeding obvious.

Actually, you can see why punditry arose. Sports commentators, broadcasting professionals that they are, were past masters at painting pictures with words. However, they lacked one vital element. The down n’dirty experience of what it’s like to actually play the game. So, thought the programme editors, lets invite some ex-pros into the studio so they can shed some illumination on the devilish intricacies of their sport…

And here’s where the plan fell down.
Because being physically gifted and talented as most elite sportsmen have to be, does not immediately mean this will translate into other areas of proficency. Mainly, the one that enables them to string words together into a sentence.

Even those with media training (that allows them to at least look more like humans and less like planks of wood), tend to trot out the same tired truisms. Yes, the game is hard. Yes, both teams are evenly matched, unless they’re not. And, yes indeed, the best/luckiest team won.
So what should be enlightening is instead an exercise in cliche-rolling.

You may think that by the past few paragraphs that I dislike punditry. But you would be very wrong. I LOVE punditry.
Many’s the time I’ve prefered it to the actual game. There’s something very reassuring and comforting about knowing which crashingly obvious statement is going to come next. You could almost set your watch by it.

At the end of the day, it’s one of life’s constants.

Lazin' On A Sunday Afternoon

2010-04-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

It feels like a scene from The Quiet Earth.

A bright, sunny Sunday without a cloud in the sky.
And no vapour trails, and no aircraft noise.

Thank you, Icelandic volcano. Thank you.

Even the traffic noise has died down to a low murmur.
So there’s nothing to disturb my third Pims.

This is a close to calm as we get in south east London.
Right up until the point I put on The Undertones’ ‘Here Comes The Summer’ at full volume…

Nauseating Nouns

2010-04-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

THE UGLIEST WORDS IN ENGLISH (AltaLang)

What makes a word ugly?

Well, according to Professor Wolverton “a variety factors probably influence people’s perception of a word, from the word’s language of origin to the number of syllables it contains.”
This means that the majority of words associated with bodily functions we’ll naturally think of as ugly. For instance, ‘Phlehm’, ‘Pus’ and ‘Smegma’. All of which are included on this list.

The internet has spawned it’s own lexicon of unattractive nouns. For my money, the top offenders would be ‘Noob’, ‘Pwned’ and ‘Spamtard’. None made the list. But amazingly (though perhaps correctly) ‘Blog’ did.

There also seem to be a couple of words that have been unfairly picked on. Why is ‘Rural’ on the list (and ‘Urban’ isn’t)? And ‘Moist’. What could you have against ‘Moist’? Friendly little word that it is.

But for me, the most disgusting phrase I’ve ever heard was when a friend
of mine added the words ‘Big’ and ‘Sloppy’ before the word ‘Poo’.

Bet you feel ill now, don’t you?

Talking Shop

2010-04-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

WORST. KRAFTWERK GIG. EVER.
(By far and away the best Tweet on the night)

So, that was the first ‘Leader’s Debate’…

In overall terms, people will have come away thinking better of Clegg, less of Cameron and pretty much the same as they ever had about Brown.

As expected, it was hard to concentrate on the substance without getting fixated on the style. In presentation terms, Nick Clegg won hands down, coming across as an actual human being. Then again, he had the least to lose, so he just went for it. Cameron, a man who prides himself on his easy style, obviously couldn’t shake the nerves and, as a result, any attempts to seem informal inevitably rang false (espscially compaired to Clegg). While Brown was lost in his own little world, convinced he was addressing a party conference rather than a TV audience. It didn’t matter what the question was, there were a certain amount of learned phrases he was going to crowbar in anyway.

(Talking about presentation, special mention must be made of Alaistair Stewart (the host). He may be one of ITV’s most respected news anchors, but his impression of a man with increasing levels of voltage being run through his underpants will not have done much for his reputation.)

So on to the substance.
Again, it was Clegg who seemed to deal the most with hard facts and policies (but then again, he could afford to). I think Brown was as well, but it was hard to tell, as they were invariably not related to the question at hand. And I can’t remember that Cameron stood for anything rather than “Aren’t I Great?”.

The biggest question remains will this have actually changed anything?
Hard to say. But if turnout is low next month, then a fair percentage of the electorate will have watched this and may have had their voting intentions shaped by it. If they were, then we can all look forward to the fun n’ games of a hung parliament.

Anyway, on the next Thursday and the second debate, where the least popular candidate will be voted off and ritually debagged on live TV. Then the final debate will be a series of Krypton Factor challenges culminating in a mad dash across the Total Wipeout course to decide the winner.

Sadly, I made that last bit up. But we can dream, can’t we?…

Worker's Paradise

2010-04-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

So, it’s Friday 5pm, and thoughts turn to a weekend of freedom (or in my case, that I’m only ten minutes walk away from a tasty pint (or three) of beer).

However, judging by these two news stories, I’m going to seriously think about seeking employment in Scandinavia. Their workplace rules seem to be much more loose.

Workers Strike: Work Beer Drinking Limited

Firstly, workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark are striking because their workplace drinking has been limited to lunchhours.
Yes, you read that right. They were previously allowed to booze all through the working day…I’m going to guess there weren’t that many sick days.
Anyway, now their prvilages have been curtailed, they are making sure that no one else in Denmark can get a drink either (well, Carlsberg).

Swedish rail worker crashes train network with porn addiction

Next stop Sweden, and the story of a 52 year old railway signal operator, whose porn addiction led him to
a) Repeatedly fall asleep at work after a hard night’s hardcore surfing, and
b) when he woke up, continued to search for porn on the company’s computer system.
In fact, he did so much of it that the accumilated viruses made the signal systems unworkable, endangering thousands of commuters.
Remarkably, he is still in his job, having only suffered an official warning.
Even more remarkably, his union considered this treatment “too harsh”.

How much is a ticket to Sweden again?

Going Blank Again

2010-04-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

RECORD SHOP BLINDNESS…

…is the name I give to the condition of totally forgetting everything I ever liked ever.

As the name suggests, this used to happen to me in record stores. The mere act of walking into the place was enough to press the ‘Reset’ button on my preferences. There then followed half-an-hour of aimless rack-browsing followed by a purchase that was later deeply regretted and hidden at the back of the CD stand.
(I eventually got into the habit of taking a list with me. Though if I ever forgot it, hello Linkin Park album!)

It still affects me now.
The latest example is Facebook Pages. Recently, I have been making a concerted effort to utilize that network to it’s full, after it had been shown to me that it wasn’t just a place to swap imaginary gifts or install pointless applications.
However, I have come up against a great brick wall in the fact that there is no one big list of Pages to browse. Instead, you have to enter your chosen interest first.
Okay then…

Uh…

Ummm…

What AM I interested in??

Is it laziness? Don’t think so.
I am that dull? Well, perhaps.
Is it record shop blindness? Yes! That’s the one!

I need to browse, Facebook. Do y’hear?! Browse!

Happiness:

2010-04-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

When you’re a kid…is owning the first new game console on the block.
When you’re a teenager…is the stomach churning, adrenalin buzz when you realise that you’re finally, finally going to have sex.
When you’re a twenty-something…is having the friends, the lifestyle, the cool job that means you, yes YOU, are one of the bright young things.
When you’re thirty…is finally finding that one, special someone.
When you’re forty…is being able to support the wife n’ kids on your paycheck without getting into hock with the neighbourhood bookie or loanshark.
When you’re fifty…is your children not getting busted for dope this week.
When you’re sixty…is having enough pension to afford the viagra.
When you’re seventy…is a bladder that works.

Happiness…it gets simpler the older you get.

Hard Sell

2010-04-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

I watch relatively little television.

And when I say watch, I mean devoting my full attention to the show in question.

Having the TV on as background noise, now that’s a different matter. The goggle box always seems to be on somewhere in our house, like an ever-moving watercolour but with a much worse soundtrack.

Now, without concentration, the longer-form pieces (i.e. the actual programmes) tend to slip away and blend into one. Which is why I was once convinced EastEnders had introduced a vampire plotline, whereas it was just my wife channel-flipping (I still prefer the first explanation).

However, the adverts. Well…

When something is designed to be short, punchy and, above all, loud, it can’t help gatecrashing your attention. So it is with ads. Once every 20 minutes are so, my thought-processes are hijacked from more gainful pursuits by somebody trying to hawk their chosen product.

While distracting, most of these slip painlessly from memory a good second or so after the ad has finished. However, there is a class of clip that seeks to burrow it’s way into your mind like a speed-jacked mole. These are for the less, shall we say ‘glamourous’ products; car insurance, household cleaning, and the like. Knowing that these are things the we usually can’t bear to think about, the ad agency maverns have chosen a different tack. One that’s called “annoying the hell out of the viewer”.

This article could be written any year, and there would always be several commercials that fit into the “what the f*** were they thinking?!!” bracket. However, since this is 2010, here’s the recent three that have headed straight for the bottom of the class:

(For those outside the UK, I’m sure (as the sun rising in the morning) that you have crap TV adverts as well. Please feel free to substitute those for the following)

3. Vanish (link)
Helpful lady in bright pink t-shirt appears out of nowhere to help clueless householders with their clothes staining issues. In reality: “Who the f*** are you, and how did you get into my house?! Honey, call the cops!”

2. Go Compare (link)
Somewhere, there is man who wakes up burdened by the terrible knowledge that his gainful employment is dressing up as a ‘comic’ opera singer to appear in this series of godawful commercials. As he trudges through life, he knows that is soul is going to hell, as is everyone else involved in this.

1. Halifax (link)
Bear in mind that this is one of the financial institutions that had to be bailed out by the UK taxpayer to the tune of several billions. Then try watching this without stoving in the TV screen.
Moronic to the point where it’s no longer insulting but deliberately goading. Bank managers as DJs? No, No, a thousand times NO!! However, it gets worse. The latest one uses ‘Ice Ice Baby’. With NO sense of irony!

Hideous rounds of crapola, all of them. However, depite their general rubbishness, they have succeed in their primary aim. I have remembered them. Bastards!

To quote Bill Hicks: “If you work in advertsing, kill yourself.”

Digital Ink

2010-04-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

(via infoneer-pulse (from The New Yorker))

It seems the publishing industry learnt a few lessons from the wave of the future that crashed over the music and film industries a few years back. At least publishers acknowledged there was irrevocable change on the way and have sort to work with the technology rather than against it. There are still issues (not least the thorny issues of royalties) but the change may not be a traumatic as it could have been.

That said, I’m in two minds about eBook readers. I tried one out and wasn’t immediately taken with it. Your simple paperback book still seemed more user friendly. Now, I know most of this is habit, and looking back from five years hence I may probably think that reading from anything other than a tablet as weird.

I also know that the ability to collect electronic books, with no price to pay in storage capacity (or new bookshelves) will plug directly into my hoarding instincts. I predict within weeks I will have amassed hundreds of books, but still with only one lifetime to read them all…

Best iPhone Apps (A List of One)

2010-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

A little while back, I gave a glowing review to the Feedly RSS reader (here).

However, after a fortnight of owning an iPhone, I have found one that is even better:

Everybody is singing the praises of Reeder, and for once everyone is right.

It’s hands-down the best RRS reader I have used (on any platform), and makes mobile feed reading the quick and enjoyable experience it always should be.
I was especially impressed by the one-touch (okay, two-touch) logging and posting feature, and it’s ability to handle massed ranks of feeds without ever feeling clunky.

Yes, there are a couple of drawbacks. It only works with Google Reader, and a ‘Post to Facebook’ function would be nice. But these are merely quibbles.

The bottom like is, if you own an iPhone and are addicted to RSS, then Reeder will be the best couple of quid you’ll ever spend.

David Icke Was Right!

2010-04-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Pointless surveys. Don’t we just love ‘em.
Without them, we wouldn’t get headlines like this:

1 in 5 believe aliens exist and live among us disguised as humans

Though what exactly promoted Reuters to ask the question in the first place, I don’t know. But they asked it to 23,000 people worldwide.

The results revealed if you live in a more populated country, the more likely you are to believe that some of your fellow countrymen are E.T.s in disguise.
An opinion probably explained by the fact that the more people there are, the more likely some of them will just be weird.

However, for the real “No S*** Sherlock” moment, skim through to the last sentence: “Of those who do not believe, most are women”

Come on. Is anyone surprised that the fairer sex are more burdened with common sense? Nope, didn’t think so.

The Bounds of My Ignorance

2010-04-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

An on-going list of things I just don’t understand…

1. HORSE-RACING

Nope, don’t get it.
(Though I don’t think I’m alone on this one)
There’s an old gag that argues now you’ve found out who the fastest horse is, it should really be racing a cheetah or gazelle next shouldn’t it?

That’s pretty much my argument against this sport.
That, and it’s dull. Yes, it’s a number of horses chasing each other around in a circle. With as much point as Formula 1 racing. Whoop-pee!
In fact without betting, there can be no logical reason for it’s existance. And nag betting is something I don’t get either. If I wanted to learn advanced mathematics, I would have done so. Then I’d at least try to do something useful with it. Like split the atom at home.

2. THE AMERICAN RIGHT

Viewed from a distance (well, 3000 miles away), I can’t understand what all the fuss is about. So, there are lots of people who are volcanically angry that the poor will now get healthcare cover?
Excuse me?

I have tried playing devil’s advocate on this one, but I can’t even begin to get into the mindset of a fair chunk (though still a minority) of Americans. They seem to be whipped up into a frenzy of hate where it’s acceptable to scream any opinion or falsehood, regardless (or maybe because) of bigotry, from the rooftops.
Now, I’m sure that there would be plenty of neo-con US commentators who would be happy to point out the error of my ways as a liberal, commie, Euro-whiner. But, I’m sorry, I just DON’T understand you.

Unless you’re evil. That would make sense.

3. THE X FACTOR/AMERICAN IDOL/[INSERT COUNTRY NAME]’S GOT TALENT

I usually keep quiet about this one, for fear of being labelled a culture snob.
But…no. Just no.

I have a deep-rooted dislike of public humilation (mine or others) and a medically-proven allergy to talent contests. Mix the two together and, hey presto, you have something that is unpleasent AND mystifying.
(Sub-set of this category: Piers Morgan. He has a career. Why?)

4. FLIPFLOPS

An item that fails on all practical and aesthetic levels.
Footwear of the Devil. No excuses.

The Lowest Common Denominator

2010-04-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

“An Honest Facebook Political Argument” by Chase Mitchell on CollegeHumor

A satire so good, it’s probably been posted a thousand times on Tumblr already.

However, it’s worth repeating, because this nails, in one spoof, everything that passes for ‘debate’ on every single website ‘Comments’ page.

The only thing that’s missing is a moronic cry of ‘First!’ or some ever-so-hilarious casual misogyny. But I guess that isn’t how they roll on Facebook.

Bullepoint This!

2010-04-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

What is the currency of the internet?

Well, it’s not Dollars. It’s not Pounds. It’s not even Yen.

It’s lists.

I’m sure someone has actually come up with the proper stat, but browse any bookmarking site and the vast majority of ‘finds’ will be list sites. The top 10 this, the best 100 that.

To paraphrase The Prisoner, there is not a subject that hasn’t been “filed, stamped, indexed, or numbered”. It has reached an almost fetishistic level.

It’s particularly prevelent amongst tech sites. “The top ten tips..” is a headline I’ve seen so often it feels like being trapped in a hall of mirrors. Now, some of these are actually useful, but most are exercises in stating the bleedin’ obvious.
For example, recently I came across “The Top 10 Google Search Tips You Might Not have Heard Of”. Guess what? You HAD heard of all of them. Many, many times before.

There is a simple explanation to all this.
The best way to get hits and, more importantly, get logged on numerous bookmarking/networking sites, is to write a list. A “Top 10” headline will guarantee that somebody will pick up on it. A fact that Digg, Reddit et al prove true every minute of the day.

Eventually somebody will aggregate all of these into one big, uber list.
At that point, the work of the internet will be done, and the stars overhead will start going out.

High On Drugs

2010-04-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

Prozac Pilots May Fly as FAA Drops Ban on Medicines

Insert your own “flying high” gag here.

Though I’m not sure which is more worrying:
a) That there are now pilots flying who are spaced out on uppers, or
b) the same pilots were flying before in a state of ongoing depression.

Neither are sure-fire recipes for staying in the sky, are they?

Hot Wired

2010-04-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

(via imall4frogs)

A acquaintance of mine once said:
“Beer is our friend. It’s always there for us, in good times and bad. It always does what it says and never, ever lets us down”

This could equally apply to coffee.
Nothing hot-wires the morning like a slug of hot java.
How many of us could face that morning commute without a caffine boost lacing our systems?

The blinding headaches, racing pulse and inevitable energy crash. All of these we can put up with in return for that enforced ‘get-up-and-go’ feeling provided by those little magic beans.

Morning Has Busted

2010-04-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

Via necessity, I am an early riser.

This is mainly because I don’t do rush hour.
Not at all.
So, for sanity’s sake, I have to have finished my morning commute before the heaving mass of my fellow Londoners descend on the transport system.

The upshot is that I vacate my bed at a time both me and my wife have dubbed “Insane O’Clock”. The birds may be singing but Mr Sun is only contemplating reaching for his hat, let alone putting it on.

Like many people, our first instinct on regaining conciousness is to reach for the TV remote. This habit has meant that I have become worryingly familiar with the BBC’s early morning output. This is the “darkest before the dawn” timeslot, before even the Breakfast TV shows have started, when any old filler will do.

The ‘filler’ in this case being the World News Today programme, piped directly from the BBC World Service. Somehow, this seems a more honest kind of news presenting. Less of the flash of the flagship news shows (probably
to do with having substantially less of a budget). Also, the presenters seem more relaxed, maybe safe in the knowledge they will never get to experience the levels of Six O’Clock News stardom.

Ah yes, the presenters:

There are now a couple without who’s presense the start to my day would feel incomplete. Firstly, a lady called Sally Bundock, the regular Business News host. She would be an unmemorable presenter, except for the fact that her voice is unique in UK Current Affairs broadcasting. It kind of defies explanation, the closest I can come is ‘melodious monotone’. The notes may change, but the pitch never does. The effect is, frankly, almost hypnotic, which may not be the best thing for those struggling to conciousness.

The other is a chap called Rico Hizon, the Asian News and Business Correspondent. Broadcasting daily from Singapore, he seems a perfectly pleasant fellow. Unfortunately, his vocal mannerisms make him a dead ringer for Peter Lorre, circa The Maltese Falcon/Casablanca. This is especially noticable when he engages in repartee with the aforementioned Mrs Bundock. His pronunciation of ‘Sally’ to make it sound like it’s trailing a string of “e”’s is unsettling to say the least.

But by this point, I’m tuning out, engaged as I am in the much more important quest to track down coffee.

Members of the Ten-Mile-High Club

2010-04-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

How Many People Are In Space Right Now?

If this is a question that has ever bothered you, then this site provides the answer, though in a literal rather than metaphorical way.

For thoese interested, the answer as of writing is 13.

(It is also probably the most niche Tumblr blog I’ve ever come across. Which takes some doing after numerous fuckyeah[insert celebrity name here]’s)

Molehills to Mountains

2010-04-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

(Flowchart: How You’ll Inevitably Shatter Your iPad - Gizmodo)

It seems nothing causes more fuss in the web-sphere than a new gadget, especially one that has an Apple logo on the back and an “i” infront of it’s name.

The past week has seen more blogging time devoted to this iPad thing that is properly decent. People listing why they’ll buy one, then people listing why they WON’T, followed by people telling them to shut up and get a life (at which point irony dies from an overload), etc. etc.

All I’ll say is that it might achieve more if you actually bought a full-sized coffee table.

And there's the starting gun

2010-04-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

Kicking off a four week bonanza of political spin that will manage to be both painful and drawn-out, much like attempting amputation with plastic cutlery.

The up-coming UK Election is a paradox, being the most important for a while, and also the most tedious. Though the various candiates whoring for our vote insist there is a “choice”, the electorate will probably see it as which set of used-car salesmen will terminally damage our country the least.

This will also be a ‘personality’ election, though it seems obscene to use that word in relation to Messers Brown and Cameron. Actually, I’m all for the Prime Minister’s TV debates, if only for the candidates to reveal the vast abyss at the centre of their policies. Though I’m going to guess that the media will be focussing more on Brown’s droopy bottom lip or Cameron’s big shiny head than anything concrete.

Which is a shame, as there are some vital issues at stake. None more so than how we in the UK want our government to work. The need for dramatic parlimentary reform is urgent, and the only way to get it (despite the Cassandra-ing’s of the international money markets) is a hung parliment. Otherwise, if there is a majority government, the necessary reforms will be like turkeys voting for christmas, and will be conveniently swept under the carpet.

So, there you go.
The general election is vitally important. But how many of us can bear to bring our attention to it?

Imagine...

2010-04-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

…you are a fully complete human being, with all the complexities that entails.

You have loved and lost, gained friends and made enemies. Carved your own way in the world, earning the triumphs and weathering the setbacks. You can be content in the knowledge that you have lived life to the full.

Wife suffers tonsil injury from oral sex [Say What?]

Then imagine that this is the only thing the rest of the world will remember you for.

Well, that was the end of the financial year...

2010-04-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

…which means either of two things.

If you’re gainfully employed in the private sector, the first three months of the calender year are spent stripping back every conceivable expense in a vain effort to make the actual figures match the fictional ones (sorry, budgeted ones).

However, in the looking-glass world of the public sector, there’s a mad scramble to spend all those zillions of pounds you forgot to spend earlier. This is because public finances work on the principle that what you don’t spend, you don’t need. Hence the fear of budget-slashing drives some frenzied panic purchasing (though it could
of been prevented by, oh, I don’t know, some foward planning).

If that sounds slightly bitter, it’s because my job puts me at the sharp end of this feeding frenzy, and makes March a month of relatively little sleep. It’s also explains why it’s been kind of quiet round here lately.

Anyway, survived it all with only minimal hair loss and relatively few stress ulcers.

I Was A Twitter Agnostic...

2010-04-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

…but now I’ve seen the light.

How?
Well, all it took was a day-and-a-half’s ownership of an iPhone and Bob’s-Your-Uncle.

Actually, to be more precise, I never saw the POINT of Twitter.
140 characters of text. I mean, what could you do with that? “Eating bacon sandwich, LOL” springs to mind as a typical cliched tweet. Where’s the depth, where’s the context, where’s the goddamn eye-candy?!

Well, that was before I took a big leap into the world of 3G internet connections. With an all-singing, all-dancing home broadband service, visual-heavy sites download in a trice. However, coming down a mobile line, and viewed on that 3 1/2” screen, they are both a) timeconsuming, and b) teeny-tiny.

Suddenly, a text-only posting service made sense. Especially since logging feed items in tweets was a doddle, which is pretty much what I’ve been using it for. Oh, and finding funny stuff. Big fan of the funny stuff.

Anyway, this is where you’ll find me. Mostly it’s the raw material that will be worked up into more elaborate grumbles on this very site. Kind of showing my working.

As for the iPhone, I can’t decide whether it’s made me 50% more productive or 50% more distracted. Actually, it’s probably 100% more productive at getting distracted. Technology, eh? Ain’t it marvellous.

Go To Account Preferences...

2010-03-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

…and under Email Notifications, tick that box marked ‘New Followers’.

Why?

Because someone called ‘TumblrBot’ (who is probably a distant relative) will send you an email informing you when somebody has, in their wisdom, decided to Follow you.
Not only that, but his message in the said email is an object lesson in brevity.
For example:
Email title: [name] started following you
Message: “OMG! Love, TumblrBot”

I have also received “Sweet. Love, TumblrBot” and “Whatever! Love, TumblrBot”
He doesn’t waste his words, does he?

Admittedly, it isn’t immediately clear that this is not a message from the actual person who has begun following you. And, for a moment, I thought that people I had previous respected for their witty and erudite ways had unaccountably lapsed into LOL-speak.

However, now I am wise to his ways, I am waiting with bated breath to see what pithy nugget of wisdom I will receive from TB next.
I’m almost tempeted to go on a wild ‘Following’ spree to make that happen.

Almost.

Wither Ye Olde Record Shoppe?

2010-03-08T18:00:00.000-08:00

It was during the recent trip to Brighton (mentioned several posts below), that I realised that, for me at least, record shops are redundant.

I popped into a couple of them, and both were veritable meccas of hip indie vibes. Just a couple of years ago, I could have quite happily lost hours browsing the racks. But, for the first time ever, I exited after a few minutes. There was nothing in there (even in the ‘hot new releases’) that I hadn’t already sampled through Spotify, MySpace Music, last.fm, and a host of other online music resources. And, to be frank, I was always going to buy anything in mp3 rather than a physical format.
So I just couldn’t find a reason to actually stay there.

And don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of record shops. Well, independent record shops. I pretty much spent most of my teenage years, and virtually all of my earnings, in them.
Growing up in Nottingham, Selectadisc was the local independent. For me, it will always be the greatest record shop of all. All the initial formation of what became my musical tastes was forged there.
However, as this news story shows, the bell tolled for Selectadisc this time last year:

And will the demise of the few ones left be measured in months rather than years? Because, as I found out myself, do physical shops selling physical formats still have a point?

The answer, sadly, is probably not.

Though is it all doom ‘n’ gloom?
The benefits that today’s pop kids have over us oldens that had to slog out to the local sounds boutique through all weathers are two-fold. Namely, availabilty and money.
Sampling new (or old) music has never been easier. Also, most of it won’t cost you a red cent. Through services like Spotify, the ability to legally access music for free has finally caught up with file-sharing sites.
Admittedly, this has probably resulted in too much choice. Whereas before, financial constraits meant that (unless you were a DJ) there was no way you could hear all the music available. Nowdays, it’s hard for bands to be anything
other than 15 minute wonders, so fierce is the competition for your ear time.

Swings and roundabouts. As always.

I Am Bloke

2010-03-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

Is Top Gear one of the greatest TV shows ever?

Probably not.

Is Top Gear the greatest TV show made specifically for blokes?

Yes indeed.

Because let’s specify exactly what we mean by “bloke” here.

‘Blokes’ are definitely not ‘Men’, because this suggests a level of humorless chisel-chinned maturity that is a foreign concept to the average bloke.

No, blokes are best defined by this motto:
“Just because there is no reason for doing something, that is not a reason for not doing it.”

For instance, taking the toaster out into the garden, filling it with fireworks, and turning it on “just to see what happens”. Stupid, potentially destructive, and probably doomed to failure. But also redemned by a spirit of curiosity.
Classic bloke behaviour.

To stretch the point, it was the same kind of thinking that took us to the moon. Yes, really.

So when messers Clarkson, Hammond & May try to convert a car into a hovercraft (and fail) or indulge in a spot of campervan stockcar racing, they are celebrating the spirit of ‘bloke-ness’ like no others.

Hamish - Daschund Draught Excluder from Mulberry Home

2010-03-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Is there nothing that can’t be be-tartan’ed?

Normally I would let it slide, but one of my favourite items while growing up was our ‘sausage dog’ draft excluder. For years it put in service sort-of blocking the breezes coming through our front door (it’s grim oop north), looking progressively more battered and balding. But he was a beloved family member, and it would have never occured for us to exchange him for a newer, plusher model.

And he wasn’t f***ing tartan either.

My Desert Island App.

2010-03-02T16:00:00.000-08:00

For once, an application that I’ve come to praise, not to bury:

Like most of you, over time, I have tried out numerous RSS feed readers.
Some were better than others (I stuck with Bloglines the longest), but all had their faults.

Then a couple of months back I gave Feedly a spin and haven’t looked back.
It’s not an RSS reader in itself, more a very sophisticated skin for Google Reader.

However, for those who are getting annoyed (like myself) by Google’s clunky view interface, I can’t recommend Feedly too strongly. It enhances all the good bits of GR, then adds a swish, self-intuitive ‘magazine’ type format which is, honestly, the easiest one I’ve ever found to read and organise my many RSS subscriptions.

On top of that, it also suggest feeds “you might like”. Potentially grating, to be sure, but I’ve found lots of great stuff through it. In fact, at the moment, I’m discovering as much stuff through Feedly as through Tumblr.
Not bad for an RRS reader.

Hyping over. Now to collect my £50…

Law Enforcement Comes Logoed

2010-03-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

At least judging by all the American TV Cop shows I am forced to watch (Our cable TV control seems to be stuck on the Hallmark Channel. THE place if you want to watch Law and Order 24 hours a day), it is de rigueur for all US emergency agencies to have natty jackets with their name plastered over the back.

Police, FBI, CSI, ER…the list goes on. It wouldn’t surprise me if the bodybags had ‘VICTIM’ in large font on the front. Personally, I think it’s a spill-over from professional sports, where there is literally no item left that cannot have a team name stuck on it. Then again, America seems to have so many government agencies that it’s probably necessary to avoid the inevitable confusion.

Over in the UK, it’s less excusable. Our cops are now similarly logoed, though the riot van with the big flashing lights is usually a big giveaway as to their identity.

Anyway, my question is, when did this be-logoing all start?
Back in the 1920’s, it must have been easier, when the cops kept pratfalling out of roadsters and the villians all wore stripey jumpers. At what point did it all get so complicated?

It's A Lifestyle Statement...

2010-03-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

It was while browsing the Laines district of Camden-By-The-Sea (or Brighton, as it’s more popularly known) that the thought hit me: Trendy = Junk.

To explain to those outside the UK, The Laines (like Camden in London) is a ‘hip’ shopping area. Stuffed to the rafters with trendy little boutiques, chic bars and achingly cool record shops.
Now, I don’t mean the Calvin Klein, 5th Avenue ‘hip’ here. More the grungy, studenty, indie-snob “I’m into bands before they even form” kind of thing. These are the last places left where the wearing of stripey tights is considered socially acceptable.

And I have to admit it, I just don’t get it.

While my wife was acting like the proverbial kid in a sweetshop, dashing between shops and rifling through the shiny things, I was caught in a state, not of boredom, more like stupefaction. Everywhere I looked, it was all just…junk.
Horrifically overpriced junk, to be sure. Junk with trendy designer labels attached. Junk infused with that bullet-proof retro cool. But, at the end of the day, still junk.
None of it. I repeat, NONE of it is actually needed. It’s the kind of stuff that will have pride of place in your home/wardrobe for about a week before finding it’s permanent station in a box somewhere in the back of a cupboard.

But that doesn’t matter, does it?
Because purchasing anything from an area like this might mean some of that ellusive hipness will rub off. You’re not an aging, plodding dolt like me, but someone who’s still down with the in-crowd.
To put it as a simple equation: You = Dull. You + Lavalamp = Hello!.

So, take out that crippling loan and get your ass down to Brighton. Buy that truckload of crap that really says who you are. Because when the money runs out, you might not be able to eat that Elvis replica lamp, but at least, for the shortest time, you were ‘hip’…

Your Life...

2010-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

…according to British daytime TV ads:

1. You are a house-bound invalid, due to a workplace accident that was NOT YOUR FAULT. You must also be slightly backward to not have realised this, as you could have already claimed for £££ on a “No Win, No Fee” basis. That’s why Bloodsuckers R Us, and numerous other ‘accident claim’ lawyers, are advertising on an almost minutely basis to make you aware of this fact. Call them. NOW!

2. Also, you MUST have oodles of “unwanted gold” just lying around the place. Again, you have to be a bit of a thickie, because those nice people at Dosh 4 Gold, Post Ur Gold etc. etc., are just desperate to take it off your hands for slightly less than the going rate. All it takes is a phone call. I mean, what else are you going to use those digits for?!

3. But, despite being crippled and retarded, you haven’t skimped on insurance, have you? The house you can’t get out of, the car you never drive, the life that is slowly deflating like a left-over flan. All of it is covered by first-class, grade A, policies. If you could have insured against meteor strike, you would have.
But the premiums are just killing you, aren’t they? Then what are you doing sitting there?! Hobble over to the computer and immediately logon to any number of those price comparison sites you’ve just seen advertised. After an hour spent clicking boxes, selecting drop down menus, and entering sensitive personal information, you will have saved the princely sum of £20. Bravo!

4. But now there’s a different dilemma, isn’t there? How to spend all the dosh you’ve ‘earned’ from that accident claim, the unwanted gold, and those insurance savings?
Well, how about a nice Sky TV box? Record all the TV you’ll never watch, and what’s more you can never watch it back in glorious HD. At half the price, it would be a bargain!

5. And also, don’t forget to buy your ‘SlapChop’. No kitchen is complete without a ‘SlapChop’. Hell, no LIFE is complete without one. Don’t make us remind you to pick up that phone again!

(My apologies/sympathies if this IS your life. Now go back to watching The Jeremy Kyle Show between the tears/fat sweats.)

The Bot Reborn...

2010-02-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

Every avatar is subject to the fickleness of it’s account holder. Some are changed on an almost daily basis.
While not so drastic, Default Setting has gone through some different looks in it’s time.

So, it’s ‘rebirth’ on Tumblr is as good and excuse as any for a Doctor Who-like regeneration. And here it is.

Class and style, wouldn’t you agree?

Opinion: The Last Post

2009-12-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

As at the beginning, so at the end:

It has been exactly a year since my first post as Default Setting,
way back in the halcyon days of December 2008.

The intervening year has been one of the most trying I've ever had the "pleasure" of living through. Various crises, mainly of the health (others) and employment (mine) variety have blighted 2009.

It may sound strange, but posting sarcastic and/or bitchy comments about things that don't matter so much (i.e. 98% of the internet) has provided a vital release from my many real world problems. Hopefully they've entertained you as well because, at the end of the day, that was the whole point.

Anyway, the good news is that myself and all close loved ones have reached year's end with health, wealth and sanity intact. We look forward to receiving our 'We Survived '09!' badges and certificates for New Years and then cracking on with 2010. Which has to be a better year. Fingers-crossed.

This also marks the end of Default Setting. I feel I've done about all I can with this style of writing, and in the past month-or-so have found myself re-treading the same old grooves. Time for something new. Whatever that will be.

So it's goodbye from the bad-tempered 'bot with one final message:
"The Internet. We can all do better. Please try."

David (a.k.a. Default Setting)

Opinion: The Final Solution

2009-12-19T03:00:00.000-08:00

Opinion: Pure Filth

2009-12-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

ASTERISK OVERLOAD

or A Defence of F***ing Swearing.

Occasionally, I have been asked why I asterisk out swearwords.
The simple answer is that it's funnier. Like the bleep machine on many a hidden camera show, blanking out rude words is a comedy staple. Writing "fuck", while honest, is just that. "F***", on the other hand, emphasizes rather than obscures the shock value of the word.
And makes it funnier, obviously.

Anyway, by and large, I think the proper use of swearing is a good thing.
"But it's obscene", a fair percentage of people cry (usually followed by "...and what about the children?!", ignoring the fact that, nowadays, most of them have graduated to "motherf***er" status by age 12).
Oh no it isn't.
Telling someone you love them when you don't. That's obscene. Likewise, using language to bully and demean someone else. Prejudice, racial or otherwise, greed and intolerance. Definitely.

Profanity, on the other hand, is in the eye of the beholder. Or more precisely, the lips of the speaker. "F***", "s***", "c***", to name the favorites, are not pleasant words. But neither are they meant to be. We have designated them a power. Using them, either in writing or speech, is not a neutral act. It's a finger-poke, a forceful exclamation mark.

These days, we are in danger of stripping them back to the commonplace. Now "f***" seems to be interchangeable with "y'know" as a conversational pause word. Constant swearing, despite what is claimed, is not big or clever.
However, and here's the crux of my argument, with the proper timing and use, nothing is more effective than profanity. The very best comedians are the ones who use swearing sparely. A well-placed "f***" or "c***" can be used to re-enforce a point, or to twist the meaning around entirely.

Shocking language is not bad language.
And very occasionally, it can be the best that language can be.

Review: Brain-Computer Interface Posts Message on Twitter - EmpowHER

2009-12-18T03:00:00.000-08:00

Though this is being developed in an entirely noble cause (helping the severely disabled communicate), the mass market potential is decidedly ominous.

In the past, the invention of a device that virtually reads minds would have been seen as having an exciting and unlimited potential. Today, it seems destined to be just a tool that allows us to Tweet without all that tedious mucking about with a keyboard.

The Future: We Blog Therefore We Are.
(You have been warned...)

SITE LINK

Opinion: Radio Daze

2009-12-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

Modern society has developed many forms of mass communication.
Newspapers, cinema, television and the internet to name a few.
But I would argue that Radio will always be the king.

Nowadays, we may all listen to radio stations through high-speed audio streaming rather than a crackly wireless, but the effect is the same. One voice, shorn of all visual frippery, speaking to us, and only us. No other medium is as emotionally direct. Or as creative. Whoever coined the phrase "painting pictures with sound" (and I'm too lazy
to look it up now) got it dead right. The worlds that radio programmes create are only limited by the bounds of theimagination.

Yes, with the dominance of music and 'talk radio', the vast majority of output isn't very good. However, when you hear good radio drama or comedy, it's a real treat. And as the rise of audio book sales shows, it's an experience that many, many of us crave.

All we have to do is listen...and think.

Review: Almost immortal but less than human - History & Traditions of England

2009-12-17T03:00:00.000-08:00

Well-written article, which merely highlights that in ye olden times, 'fairy' could well have been short-hand for 'asshole'.

With so much evil prankstering and baby-snatching going on, it's a wonder the whole lot weren't beaten to death with cold iron bars (an effective method, apparently).

Then they got all haughty and regal. A process completed by Tolkien with his depiction of Elves. Which were always the bits I skipped over in Lord of the Rings. There's only so much 'smug git'-ness I can take.

SITE LINK

Opinion: Look Back In Languor - A Quick Wizz Through The Noughties

2009-12-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

AND THAT FOLKS, WAS THAT.

As the 'Noughties' grind to an end, it is probable that this decade, while undoubtedly stuffed to bursting with all manner of stuff, will be remembered for the rise of three things:

1) THE 'WAR ON TERROR'

If you've ever wondered what living through a neo-con wet dream might be like, then the past decade has provided all the answers you'll ever need. The right-wing hoopla n' hogwash surrounding this nebulous 'war' might be laughable if a) a sizable body count wasn't attached, and b) it hadn't proved that generating unfocused fear is pretty effective as a people controller.

As a plan "make 'em scared. keep 'em scared" looks too simple to work. That it did is a truly depressing fact. Where this war on a word might end up, who knows. From the evidence of the past year, being out of office did nothing to stem the hysterical tidal wave of bulls*** emanating from the American Right. That they are still able to hijack the debate is not a great surprise. They've had over a decade of practice to hone the tactic...

2) THE INTERNET

It was while flipping through some old comic books from the mid-90's that the true current ubiquitous nature of the world wide web was brought home to me. Simply, none of the film ads had website address. A little thing, yes. But nowadays, where the promotion of anything requires it's cyberspace equivalent, it was a shock to realize that
a mere 15 years ago this was a completely far-out concept. To paraphrase The Go-Between, the past is a foreign country, they do things much slower there.

The main effect of the explosive development of the internet is to concertina time. It's hard to believe that the path from Geocities to our current Twitter-rama present took a mere ten years. Surely it must have taken longer than that...
Nearly every important internet trend has been birthed during the noughties. Think back ten years and no social bookmarking, no rss, and no lolcats (okay, bad example) and Google wasn't a verb. Strange times.

3) REALITY TV

You all know the Andy Warhol quote so I won't bother regurgitating it here, but the noughties was truly the decade where those desperately seeking that fifteen minutes could find it in numerous places. From over-blown talent shows, to spurious 'social experiments', to muck-raking talk shows, the elevation of 'ordinary' people to fleeting fame was unceasing.

Now people lusting after fame is not a new phenomenon. However, they were usually notable for doing something. Nowadays the ranks of "famous for being famous" is constantly swelling. It seems that, judging by the latest raft of 'celebrity' shows, being distantly related to a famous person is enough to qualify. Misquoting Grouch Marx, this is a club I really don't want to be a member of.

In fact, the one ray of hope is that producers are rapidly running out of formats. I'm going to guess that some are praying that the world turns all Running Man and they are actually allowed to televise live executions. Until then, this is a barrel that will be well and truly scraped clean.

So, there you have it: trashy TV, even trasher politics, and all of it piped into our eyeballs through a broadband connection.

I'm nostalgic for it already...

Review: It's After My Head! - Giant Tarantula Backpack

2009-12-16T03:00:00.000-08:00

Arachnophobia...

...It's not funny. Not ever.

So free free to wear this backpack, but don't be surprised
if you lose most of your friends in the process.

SITE LINK

Image: The Honey Was Worth It - SuckAtLife

2009-12-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

SITE LINK

Review: 911 Calls Sounds and Sound Bites

2009-12-15T03:00:00.000-08:00

I know it's naive to think that the internet and good taste are anything other than passing aquintances.

Sites like 4chan have been boldly pushing back the barriers for ages (Pedobear anyone?. Hella funny, right?)

So creating sound boards of 911 calls is not the shocking act it would have been a few years back. Nowdays it's just another grubby example that nothing, repeat nothing, is out-of-bounds as comedy material.

For instance, you'll be Wiping away tears of laughter during Michael Jackson's hilarious 911 call...

No, not really.

SITE LINK

Review: AnybodyOutThere

2009-12-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

A site that aims to be a more streamlined version of Yahoo Answers, or maybe a simplified Formspring.

However, as with every other Web 2.0 network, this depends on the quality of the information put into it. And, judging that most of the 'questions' seem to be varients of "nice app!", I'm going to guess that the spammers and bots got there first (and still haven't been weeded out).

A life as just another social networking backwater beckons...

SITE LINK

Image: Hellride - tstout.com

2009-12-14T03:00:00.000-08:00

There are illustrators that skimp on detail (that'll be me then)
and illustrators that put a lot of effort into it...

...and then there are some, like Tyler Stout, who are positively fetishistic.

No bad thing.

SITE LINK

Review: WriteSomething

2009-12-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

Here's WriteSomething's nifty little tag line:
"Type here whatever you want, quick and without thinking"

Hands up anyone who:
a) Thinks this is a good idea, or
b) can't guess what a horrible language car-crash will result from this instruction.

(If anyone raised their mitt then, quite frankly, you are reading the wrong blog here.)

Try to imagine a dumbed-down version of Twitter.
Hard I know, but WriteSomething pulls off this trick with flying colours.

SITE LINK

Opinion: 2015 - Here We Come!

2009-12-13T06:00:00.000-08:00

Opinion: Various Pointless Pastimes

2009-12-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

SPORTS FOR ALL

Those of you who live in nations where soccer is not the number one sport may be unaware there is a football world cup coming up next year. However, living in a country where it is, this has now become an inescapable fact.

Being the age I am, I can now remember (ohh, let's see) seven world cups. And wind the clock back even 15 years, the hype began a mere week or two before the tournament's start. There then followed 2 weeks of hopelessly unrealistic optimism truncated by England being knocked out (usually in the quarter finals, always on penalties). We could then
settle down and actually begin enjoying the games.

Compare that to now. The world cup draw, which, I may remind you, is slightly simpler form of bingo, is now a two hour televised spectacular. Which warranted the BBC bringing out their entire punditry team to share their wit and wisdom. On, I repeat, various functionaries (and Charlize Theron) pulling balls out of a tombola. 'Farcical' is a word that springs readily to mind.

(The World Cup Draw. Whoop-de-doo...)

It gets worse. Now virtually every British newspaper has already issued their '24 page World Cup pull-out special'. This a full seven months before the tournament begins.

Now, I am as excited about the world cup as the next man. However, we are all in danger of succumbing to hype-fatigue before we even reach 2010. What this says about the 'global brand' the soccer has become doesn't need me to describe it.

- - - - - - - - - -

Q: What's the best way to make a small fortune.
A: Start out with a large fortune and buy a sports team.

Sport is ridiculous.
As an armchair sports fan, I say that with a huge amount of affection. But, basically, any sport (with the exception of boxing) is a gloriously silly distraction. This is not a dig against any of the competitors, who's training and preparation is anything but a joke, but write down the rules of any game and there will be several aspects that are just plainly silly.

For instance, baseball and cricket (both sports I appreciate, btw) rely on the minute flight and movement of a ball through the air. Which is pretty impossible to pick up to the average spectator, viewing it from 100s of feet away. See? silly. Gloriously so.

(Cricket. Baseball. Silly)

This works for sports I am less keen on as well. Basketball is undoubtedly a game that requires skill, dexterity and speed. However, this is blunted by the fact that there is, on average, a score every two seconds or so. It manages the not inconsiderable feat of making scoring dull. Very silly.

Therefore it is even more ridiculous that some of these pastimes have become multi-million pound revenue generators. Or have sent many ex-millionaires to the poor house.
As the joke I have quoted above shows, anyone who buys a team thinking that a share of the professional sports money pie will soon be their's is in for a rude awakening. Las Vegas casinos have a word for somebody who invests all their funds on what is basically a game of chance. And that word is "sucker".

So, in this age of unprecedented hype regarding many sports, it is worth bearing in mind that whatever game you follow or team you support, it shouldn't be taken too seriously. Sport is a silly business. Gloriously. So.

Twenty-two men kicking a pig skin around a field for 90 minutes
or
Global marketing and revenue generating monolith.

I know which description I prefer.

Opinion: Party Hard

2009-12-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

"And we we want to get loaded...and we want to have a good time."
"And that's what we're going to do" "Whay baby, let's go!"

The sample of Easy Rider that kicks off Primal Scream's Loaded could almost be the unofficial motto of Britain during the month of December. Any given night, the streets are full of people getting loaded and, indeed, having a good time. With foam reindeer antlers on.

In fact, so much wanton booze-guzzling goes on that you'd be forgiven for thinking that we didn't really like the festive season. Though maybe we're not drinking to forget. The British have a long tradition of drinking...well, because.

So unless you're a hermit or a teetotaler, the last month of the year brings an endless round of parties, get-togethers and impromptu drink-ups. There's the work Christmas party, a gruesome though unavoidable obligation, and more pleasant rendezvous with friends and family. And if you're one of those people who leave their present buying to the last minute, there's a very good chance you'll be doing it inebriated, with all the really good choices that entails. A fact you can repent for at leisure on Christmas Day itself, and the six months of withering looks and surly comments that follow.

By the way, despite my slightly sarcastic tone, I'm no different.
Tonight marks party number 2 of 5, where I'll be experimenting to see if alcohol and bowling alleys make a good combination.

Drunk bowling: there's nothing like it!

Review: Wee Folk Art

2009-12-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

SITE LINK

Image: Mr Fish cartoons - Selling Ass

2009-12-10T03:00:00.000-08:00

Without prefacing any description of their job with
"As a puppetter I...", most Muppet operators would end up quickly arrested and/or at the business end of an angry mob.

SITE LINK

Review: Rubik's Cube Solver

2009-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

Of course, everybody knows that the fun way to solve a Rubik's Cube is with a screwdriver and plenty of elbow grease.

So, yes, you could spend the twenty or so minutes entering the info to solve your cube's configuration....or you could get prising.

Pretty easy choice, isn't it?

SITE LINK

Review: Letters of Note - "I was ready to sink into the earth with shame"

2009-12-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

Much against my previous assumptions, it looks like medievel China was a get-down-and-party nation.

Well, going by the example of this 'form letter' for local officials to beg forgiveness for their drunk and disorderly behaviour the previous night.

Maybe China was such a burecratic society that they had a form for everything. However, I prefer to believe that the government class cut loose by getting loaded each night.

It would be interesting to see the effects if our current elected officials behaved the same way. Though looking at the recent Bush administration in the US, perhaps we already have. Now there was a government drunk in charge of a country...

SITE LINK

Review: Electric bike breaks land speed record

2009-12-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

This has to go down as an advance.

Motorcyclists will still be able to kill themselves pursuing their chosen hobby
but now won't destroy the planet doing it.

Everyone's a winner.

SITE LINK

Review: Biggest Drawing in the World

2009-12-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

And I quote:
"With the help of a GPS device and DHL, I have drawn a self portrait on our planet. My pen was a briefcase containing the GPS device, being sent around the world. The paths the briefcase too around the globe became the strokes of the drawing."

This is either:
a) An exercise that took a large amount of effort and money to produce a picture that looks like a five-year old playing around with an 'Etch-A-Sketch':

or, b) Bulls***.

Double fail either way.

SITE LINK

Review: Forgotten Bookmarks

2009-12-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

Hi Mike
GOOD DAY FOR:
• Sealing the gutter trouble spots
• If painter is not coming, bank dirt high up wall, do all you can to divert water. There is preforated pipe under deck. Put them under the dirt first. No floods this year!
• Painting the back room.

- - - - - - - - - -

Proof that nothing is more spine-tingling than find a scrap of story.
Whether it be mundane or dramatic, instinctively we want to know more.

So these lost cards and photos, discovered nestling in the pages of second hand
books, all present small hints of lives lived. Mystery existances caught for a moment on a scrap of paper. We will never know these people or what happened to them, but that won't stop our minds from trying to fill in the gaps.

That's the magic of the short story, and something this site personifies.

SITE LINK

Review: Focus - 101 Ways to Monetize Your Blog Without Irritating Your Readers

2009-12-07T03:00:00.000-08:00

I'm sure, deep down, all of us believe we have what it takes to be a 'Professional Blogger'.
We have the talent, all we lack is the inclination and desire.

And stuff like this don't change my opinion.
In theory, I'm sure it's possible to make an income from a blog if you use many (of what seems like an endless list) of advertising services. However, how many of us actually want to?? To be honest, I felt sleepy after the first few lines. It's also probably why most 'professional blogs' are not that interesting. If you're actually good at this stuff, what does that say about you?

If it's a trade-off between making money or having fun, I know where my vote would be.

SITE LINK

Review: BBC - Homepage

2009-12-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

A nationality is a hard thing to define.
Whether you split it on cultural, personality or geographical lines, there's always going to be exceptions to the rule.

And by 'nationality', I don't mean the flag-waving, jingoistic "my country is better than yours" claptrap. More the indefinable 'something' that we instinctively grasp to mean somebody is from a specific place.

For me, the little 'something' that firmly marks me as English and/or British is that I don't believe any news story until it's been confirmed by the BBC.

In our country, there are two institutions that hold a special place. And by that, I don't mean affection (considering the amount of complaining we do about them). Rather they seem to define who we are as a nation. The NHS (National Health Service) deserves a piece all on it's own, so let's concentrate on the British Broadcasting Corporation:

I could be wrong about this, but I doubt a TV and radio broadcaster holds as unique position in the national consciousness of any other country as the BBC does in the UK. I mean, you may like the programmes a certain channel makes, but do you actually feel affection towards that company? Or extreme disappointment when they get things wrong?

But that's exactly what Brits experience with the BBC. We instinctively trust it, and feel a deep sense of betrayal if that belief, for whatever reason, is proved false. And 'Auntie', the faux-cosy nickname we give to the corporation, just about sums up that attitude.

That is why, if you ask any British person about the dreaded TV license fee, you'll get what seems like a contradictory answer. Yes, there'll be a long diatribe about lack of choice and value for money. But ask if they'd prefer the license fee or adverts on the BBC, it'll be the license fee every time.

Makes no sense, does it? Well, that's because, when you get down to it, it's an emotional decision. It's like deciding that we would trust Granny's care to a stranger. Economically beneficial, but morally suspect.

So, after all that, it should come as no surprise that the site I visit more than any other is bbc.co.uk. This doesn't means it's the best on the web (and it isn't) in any of the services it provides. But it is the BBC and that, at the end of the day, was never going to be a logical decision.

(Footnote: Though I should sing the praises of the BBC iPlayer here. No other application has changed my viewing/listening habits like this one. For instance, as I type this, I am listening to vintage radio comedy, courtesy of BBC Radio 7. Which is one of the finer experiences life offers.)

SITE LINK

Opinion: Look Back In Amnesia

2009-12-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

NOTES ON A NOUGHTIES LIST

As you may have noticed, this decade is drawing to a close.
Not surprisingly, everyone seems to be compiling their 'Best of the 2000s' lists. And I was going to be no different, right up to the point I actually tried to write it.

If you want to brutally put into focus the few subjects you are actually interested in, then try to draw up a general list of likes or dislikes. In my case, my favorite tracks/albums of the decade stretched into the hundreds (of which none I could cut out). However, the TV shows and films list was much much shorter. And important events? Well, forget that.

In fact, what this exercise revealed is that my memory is really bad. And I would need actual research (well okay, Wikipedia) to remember anything unprompted (and that wasn't going to happen). Surprisingly, I don't feel too bad about it, because I don't believe I'm the only one. Let me explain:

An effect of the rise of the internet during this decade is that our recall of events has become patchy to say the least. The vast flood of new information we receive each day blows away most of our long-term cultural memories. On the web, there is only one huge, ever-present 'Now' (a mental state cannily predicted by Warren Ellis in Transmetropolitan). To para-phrase Henry Ford, in cyberspace, all history is bunk. At least, that's the only way I can explain internet meme culture...

So, to try and sum up an entire decade just using this information-overloaded memory seems like a fruitless task. Also, I'm very anal and don't want to leave anything out.

That said, I'm still going to regale you with my favorite noughties music tracks (complete with pointlessly long explanations why) over the next couple of weeks.
Just like everybody else...

Review: Don't ignore your emotions at work - Physorg.com

2009-12-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

Though this article is couched in high-falutin' psychologist-speak, the
points it makes are pretty basic.

For example:
"“emotional tyranny” as the use of emotion by powerful members of an organization in a manner that is perceived to be destructive, controlling, unjust or even cruel."
(Trans: Most bosses are bastards)
"Many people are so work-identified that negative feelings at work spill over and can consume their whole lives"
(Trans: Don't take your job home with you)

And much more can apparently be found in the thrillingly titled 'Managing Risk in Communication Encounters'. Sure to be an unputdownable page turner...

However, for most of us, showing 'emotion' in the workplace involves the circulating of funny emails, even though your manager has expressly forbade it.
Yeah, we know how to stick it to 'The Man'!

SITE LINK

Opinion: The Hell Of It All

2009-12-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

Don't forget, only 21 shopping days to Christmas!
(So if you haven't ordered it online, it's too late now)

Image: Pharyngula - Keef gets it right

2009-12-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

All this year of woe, the American Right have been testing out the theory that any debate can be hijacked or derailed if you throw enough s*** at it.

Sadly, in most cases, it seems they have succeeded.

SITE LINK

Review: The Onion - The Office Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage

2009-12-03T03:00:00.000-08:00

As previously pointed out, I'm of the opinion that no gag is too obvious for The Onion.

This could almost be Exhibit A in that argument.

SITE LINK

Review: Uber Super - Low Rise by Peter Root

2009-12-02T06:00:00.000-08:00

An idea brilliant in it's simplicity.

Why waste days of your life constructing cityscapes out of matchsticks or lego, when the same effect can be achieved in minutes with staples?

In fact, throw in a Godzilla doll and you'd have a perfectly acceptable zero-budget disaster movie. Genius!

SITE LINK

Image: Shoebox Blog - 'Chuck & Beans'

2009-12-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

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Image: The 1966 TV Batmobile

2009-12-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

To most 40-somethings, this will always be the king of cars.

SITE LINK

Review: Telegraph - Former businessman lives on no money for a year

2009-12-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

This is something we've probably all dreamed about at some point, knowing that deep down we would never have the
guts to divest ourselves of all worldly goods.

And Mr Boyle's experience shows that it's just as hard as we would imagine.
So, fair play to him on that.

It's just unfortunate that halfway through the article, the writer becomes hung up on our man's single status, and the rest becomes a kind of subsistance-level lonely-hearts ad:
"No money, no car, no career prospects, no hot water! But I’m quite handsome, have a nice personality and I’ve got a lot of body heat!”

Get in touch, girls. He deserves it.

SITE LINK

Opinion: Camouflage Strategy

2009-11-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

(source)

Me thinks they doth protest too much.

The equivalent would be answering the question "how are you?" with "I definitely did not kill all those people and bury them under my patio. No, not at all."

Not exactly going to deflect suspicion, is it?

The best way would probably to put a 10 foot neon sign saying 'Whorehouse!' on top of the building. Pretty much no one would believe it was a knocking shop then.

- - - - - - - - - -

In fact, hiding in plain sight works for many things.
If you want to keep a secret, post it on the internet. Which pretty much guarantees no one's going to read it.

Review: Creative Cloud - If You Printed The Internet...

2009-11-30T03:00:00.000-08:00

SITE LINK

Review: Toxel - Bear Sleeping Bag

2009-11-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

Yet another way to thin out the gene pool...

Buy this item, and you too could either
a) be shot in error by an inebriated hunter, or
b) mauled to death by an amorous male bear.

Choices, choices...

SITE LINK

Image: Marvel Swimsuit - Funny Fake Ads from the 90's specials

2009-11-29T03:00:00.000-08:00

SITE LINK

Opinion: What Drives Mankind?

2009-11-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

THE MARVIN GAYE THEORY OF LIFE

On his 1971 album What's Going One, Mr Gaye managed to fit politics, religion, ecology, prejudice, and love.
Or most of the major preoccupations of the human race.

But sex.

For sex he needed a whole other album:

And that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it folks?

Review: Airbus A380 - 5-star hotel on wings

2009-11-28T03:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, everyone seems to be getting into a tizzy about this, the biggest airliner ever made.

However, let us not forget it's still a craft created for mass passenger air travel.
With all the 'pleasures' that intails.

For instance, on boarding, this is the sight that will greet you:

Looks like ever other airborne sardine can you've ever flown in, doesn't it?

So, no matter the actual size of the aircraft, your personal area will be slightly smaller than the average filing cabinet. (Infact, if your average 5-star hotel room offered the same space as this plane, you would be quickly asking for a refund.)

But it's even more invidious than that.
All the supposed mod-cons are only offered to Business Class passengers, who are sealed away from the hoy-paloy on their own deck. Maybe Emirates will have an attack of honesty and rename 'economy' seating 'cattle class'. Then at least all us standard air-sheep will know where we stand.

Air travel. It sucks. No matter how big the plane...

SITE LINK

Review: Guy Makes $83K a Year Wearing a T-Shirt

2009-11-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

As money-making schemes go, this one has a beautiful simplicity to it.
However, I can forsee pitfalls if several of his clients have an advanced (i.e. warped) sense of humour.

For example, I would certainly pay over the odds to see Mr Sadler have to wear a 'Darwin Was Right' t-shirt to a born-again church service (and vice-versa for an athiest shindig).
Thinking about it, this could become a kind of game. How high would the danger money have to be to tempt him to risk peril and potential serious injury? I see spread betting potential here.

In fact, throw in a camera crew and, hey presto, you have the latest hit reality TV show.
('Tees N' Terror', or something like that. You have my blessing to pitch it).

SITE LINK

Review: wikiHow - How to Escape Materialism and Find Happiness

2009-11-27T03:00:00.000-08:00

SITE LINK

Image: Funny Junk - Physics

2009-11-26T06:00:00.000-08:00

I once had my Physics Licence taken away for failing to check
in my rear-view mirror before achieving polarity.

SITE LINK

Review: 1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die...in Spotify

2009-11-26T03:00:00.000-08:00

Why I think this is so brilliant reveals what a tragic person I truly am.

As an audio addict, I have to admit that the book in question (1001 Albums To Listen To Before You Die) is my number one choice of toilet reading.

I am also an inveterate list-maker and, despite many attempts to be spontaneous, this affects my listening habits as well.

So to have a book that tells me what the (alleged) good s*** is pretty much on the third step to heaven...

Music. Non Stop.
(source)

...What makes me jump up steps two and one is finding that someone has methodically gone through Spotify (to whichI happen to be a member) to find all the albums in the book that are available on that service. Then created a page with a link to Every. Single. Bloody. One.

I have already lost many hours I am never going to get back.

Help...me...

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Review: 1000 Awesome Things

2009-11-25T06:00:00.000-08:00

A site that somehow managed to annoy me two-fold.

First of all, none of the experiences celebrated are "awesome".
Comforting, thought-provoking, funny, ironic, heartwarming...are perfectly adequate, and much more factually correct, words to describe this list of little pleasures.

Calling these things "awesome" just perpetuates the bad habit of overworking hype adjectives. It's the same mentality that insists that every new film released is a "masterpiece".

Secondly, whoever edits this site has a tourettes-like tic of highlighting the most colourful phrases in every piece. Take these bits out of context and the result is a bit like those 'concrete poetry' fridge magnets as arranged by someone who's overdosed on a thesaurus.

For example:
big wet rock - deep, dark galaxy - swirly-twirly headtrip - organized checkerboards - beautiful insanity - etc.etc.
(Anyway, you get the drift)

Normally, this is something I would heartily approve of. But here I suspect it's merely another method of hammering home how "AWESOME" it all is.

Then again, a site called 1000 Really Okay Things probably wouldn't get as much traffic.

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Image: Buenaventura Press - Tom Gauld "Characters for an Eipc Tale"

2009-11-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

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Opinion: Just Passin' Through

2009-11-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

English has many words to describe a person going away to another country for a short while.

They range from flattering ('Guest'), to neutral ('Visitor'), to slightly off-hand ('Holidaymaker'). However, none of them encapsulate the distain of the natives like 'Tourist'.

Think about that word of a minute. Has it ever been used as anything other than an insult? Even it's roots (going away for a 'Grand Tour'), summon up negative connotations. Visiting a country to "see the sights" (translation: be photgraphed in front of the one or two building that the visitor's guide suggests are "must-sees"). Only a tourist would say that they have 'done' a certain city or country. ("Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, Notre Dame...yup, that's Paris done.")

I could go on a long rant here, but why bother when this picture sums it up so well:

(source)

You see these people? These people are tourists.

Review: Textbook disclaimer stickers

2009-11-24T03:00:00.000-08:00

There are many things I don't understand about America.

Well, there are many things I don't understand about everywhere, but with our countries sharing (approximately) a language, some history, and most of the same television, the similarities should outweigh the differences.

And by-and-large, they do (though Basketball will forever leave me cold).
However, the perceived mindset of those states comprising the 'Bible Belt' has me at a loss.

Now, I'm sure there are many, many good and sane people living in that area. It just seems to be the extreme wackjobs who shout the loudest.

For example: stickering textbooks for presenting evolution as fact.
At this point, my brain starts making squeaking noises - "Don't...understand...!!"

So, while this article is a humourous extrapolation of this trend (gravity and a spherical earth are equally as suspect), it is also a warning that this is just the thin end of the wedge.

Because if you're trying to reverse the onward march of knowledge, the next stage is probably burning the cable guy at the stake. Because, y'know, electricity...it's witchcraft!

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Review: Dr Romanelli Hello Kitty - BearBrick

2009-11-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

(Definition from Dictionary.com)

HORROR (n)

1. an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking,
terrifying, or revolting; a shuddering fear

2. anything that causes such a feeling

3. such a feeling as a quality or condition

4. a strong aversion; abhorrence

5.

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Opinion: Chart Topper

2009-11-23T03:00:00.000-08:00

(Pictures of ladies sporting extensive body art (or 'Suicide Girls', as I believe they are popularly known) seem to be a unbiquitous sight on the internet these days. Perhaps the whole world, depite the warnings, has finally gone goth?...)

Opinion: Today's Fascinating Fact

2009-11-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

Whilst in real life, you cannot be more than seven relationships away from Kevin Bacon

on the internet, you're never more than three clicks away from a picture of Megan Fox.

Strange but true...

Review: Persevere and Persist - OutOfYourRut.com

2009-11-22T03:00:00.000-08:00

Here, right here, is my problem with 'motivational' gurus.

Living in a small, rainy island on the fringes of a northern continent, I have no issue with the concept that, most of the time, life is s**t. Of course it takes fortitude and persistence to get through existence's trials and tribulations. That much is obvious.

However, when it's presented like this...

"Having financial problems? Persevere and Persist

Lost your job? Persevere and Persist

Things seem a little out of control? Persevere and Persist

(etc. etc. ad nausium)"

...my blood pressure starts to head northward.

I would argue that the last thing you need when being down in the dumps (and after this last year, I speak from personal experience), is being hectored by some glazed-eyed zealot with 'The Answer'!

Though perhaps abusing said glazed-eyed zealot might provide some much-needed light relief. Let's see, eh?

"Being randomly abused on the internet for your fatuous pronouncements? Persevere and Persist

Realising the essential futility of your career as a 'professional speaker'? Persevere and Persist

Locked in the stocks and pelted with pig s**t? Persevere and Persist"

Don't we all feel better already?

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